It's been a year...

I'd forgotten about my blog.. It's been a year since my last post, and I was complaining about moving for the 3rd time  in 4 months. Well, I did move again. And a month after that I was in a fairly major car accident. I had whiplash, a shoulder injury, and a minor head injury. I didn't work for 4 months. In January, my 97 year old grandmother passed on. And in May, I moved again. Life really is a series of movements, of changes, and this year was intense for me. The thing I learned out of all this is to just surrender. I don't have to be smart, or wise, or get it right. I don't have to be deserving, and things don't really mean what I think they mean. Life is always happening at every level, everywhere, all the time. It's really not personal. It happens and I have my experience. Somewhere in there, my heart opened. It opened wide. I stopped grasping and started being grateful. I lost everything and I had everything I needed. As one of my friends said- "this is what you not slipping through the cracks looks like." I learned to both give and receive freely. I learned that god-in-action is community and friends- not some ethereal something out there I hope to be worthy of, and maybe he'll answer my prayer. It is the life force that flows through every one of us and touches those we love, those we pass. This idea of god lives though us, through our expression in the world. I stopped asking "what's in it for me?" and started asking "what gift do I bring?" I started saying yes. Yes to all of it. Joseph Campbell said "We're in a free fall into future. We don't know where we're going. Things are changing so fast. And always when you’re going through a long tunnel, anxiety comes along. But all you have to do to transform your hell into a paradise is to turn your fall into a voluntary act. It’s a very interesting shift of perspective . . . Joyfully participate in the sorrows of the world and everything changes." By simply saying yes to life, all of it as it came, and letting go of resisting it- I experienced a deep release. I was free to love, give and receive with out worry over cost, reciprocity, or being enough. There is enough grace in this world, we never have to be enough. All we need do is show up and be our fullest expression. And say yes, even when  we don't understand. I don't have it all figured out- it's a constant moment to moment choice. But I do find myself enjoying life a lot more these days.

Movment

I am moving again. This will be the 3rd time in 4 months. A part of me wants to complain that I'm tired, I don't wanna move, that this is unfair, and that whatever it is, can't I just work it out? But it's a strange thing- I'm practicing choosing instead of deciding these days, and this puts me firmly in the drivers seat of my life. My complaints are irrelevant, and instead of reacting to what's wrong, and waiting until I'm justified and drained to decide something, I'm just looking for the opportunity to do the most loving thing, and to have the best life. And I'm not settling for what kinda works but doesn't feed joy and fulfillment in life. Of course, what this looks like on the road is that I spend a lot of time being uncertain of how I feel, what I think, or how things are going to turn out. It's a little unsettling but there is a lot of power in not knowing- in remaining curious. So I'm learning how to surrender and trust. Surrender and Trust. Listening to intuition instead of just reason.


In other news, I've found my vocal guru. I haven't sung in 8 years- a wedding here and there, and in the shower when I can't help myself, but I haven't seriously sung in over 8 years. In August I began thinking of my voice again and what I really wanted. Most of what I've seen in the classical world is all about doing it right- technique, rep, name dropping, politics... I'm in a place where I want to simply explore my voice- find my true voice and sing from there. And opera happens to be my passion. Someone at a party told me about Awilda Verdajo,(www.thecompleatvoice.com) and I met her last monday. Seriously, an amazing woman fully in her body and fully in her power. She looked at me and said "God gave us two mouths for a reason- we were meant to receive! If you're going to sing, you're going to have to open your body."  An answer to my prayers. I've been strongly feeling that if I don't sing, I'm going to die. Not litterally, but I'm slowly withering, and I'll have none of that. My sense is that abundance flows through our happiness and our truest expression. I had an insight about goddesses that are associated with abundance- Lakshmi, Oshun, ect. They are most often river goddesses, or somehow associated with water. And their abundance is celebrated not for what they have, but for what they give. Their chief trait is that they pass on what they are given, literally standing in the flow. The more they give, the more they receive. I'd always looked at abundance as something to get- a state of plenty. But now I'm thinking it is more of an expression. Singing and massage are two places in my life where I stand in the flow and pull divine, nurturing energy through me for others. Both always feed my spirit, my pocket book, and from what I can tell, bless those receiving.


Lately, I've also been really wanting to dance. I love to bellydance! And I haven't in quite some time. I've been looking at Tribal Bellydance- I like that it's beautiful, dark, and gritty. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXi-ZXbtfic 


I was talking with a friend the other day, and I realized that I've spent a lot of time healing over the last 4 years. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, which I have under control now, and I spent about 9 months this year healing something of a more feminine nature. I spent 9 months not being able to work out, make out, run, lift, or even go for walks. At the time same time, I had also quit my job, started my business, broke up with my lover of 2 years, loved and lost someone new- twice, and moved out of my house, which I'd lived in for 3 years. It's good to remember this so I can give myself a little grace- enjoy the moment and acknowledge the journey. I have a long ways to go, but I've come a distance. The recurring theme over these years has been to learn to love myself. And I keep finding that I haven't even begun. This year has been extraordinarily intense, and all I could do was keep giving up what I thought I knew and keep moving forward. Keep being curious about what was next, and keep giving up my attachments to how I think it should be, what I think it all means, and what I think I do or don't deserve. It seems that deserving really has little to do with how life works. We're either loved or we aren't- and even how that looks and feels has little to do with us. People love the way they love and they extend it to those they're moved to extend it to. In a strange sense, it's not personal. Love is an expression, and a force of nature. People don't always love me the way I want to be loved by them, but it doesn't mean a goddamn thing. It's just how they love. Ultimately, it's my job to give myself the love that I long for. No one else can do that for me. And my experience of being with people I love when I'm loving myself is so different! Any time I'm bitching to myself about how someone isn't giving me what I need, I have to stop and remind myself that I'm really bitching that I'm not giving myself something I need, and it feels a lot easier to blame someone else than to step up and take charge of my life.

...I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903 in Letters to a Young Poet

Manifesta

I am a bad ass, laugh out loud, honest to gods, gun-totin', finger-lickin' Cosmic Cowgirl, riding the tantric wave of all there is. I love myself madly, and I align my intentions, my actions, and my vitality in service of Life. Because I am in the flow, all that I need comes easily to me, and all that I offer is a treasure, nurturing those around me freely. I make big waves, take pleasure in all of life, and am brought to my knees in gratitude of my blessings. I offer myself up to millions of little deaths, to be born again and again in love's infinite ocean. I own every inch of myself- my body, my voice, my presence and energy. I am an unapologetic maverick. I leave marks, make messes, and I fight dirty. But I clean up real nice.