Welcome 2014

I love the ritual of New Year's- reviewing the events of the last year and setting my intentions for the coming year.

Once again, I've neglected my blog. I could say that I've been busy or distracted, but the truth is that I've been unwilling to risk myself and to share openly. If 2013 taught me anything, it was to embrace my power through vulnerability. 

Last January, I moved into a dark time. I experienced a very painful break with 2 friends- one of whom hurt me and one of whom I hurt. I injured a client. And the state investigated my professional licence based on an anonymous complaint, which triggered the memories and emotions long buried from when the state investigated my family for sexual abuse when I was 4. 

I came apart in the most profound way. I gave up any pretense I had that I was a good person, and then I gave up the need to look like I was a good person. I gave up escaping into positive thinking and I moved deep into the shadowlands of my own epic. There are parts of me that died and there are parts of me that were reborn. I re-examined my whole life, and I found that my entire life was about surviving what happened when I was 4- the way I did relationships, money, business, friendships... I wasn't showing up authentically for any of it. Everything I did was to secure my own survival/ affirmation/ agenda. 

I related to people and situations from the perspective of how they served me. And it was so empty. Nothing was ever enough. I let go, and then I let go some more. And then I let go again. I let go of how I thought things should be, and I questioned everything I thought I believed about anything. I let go of the paradigm of being deserving/ undeserving. I let go of being a victim. I let go of the entitlement I felt to to a soul-mate, a happy ending, and I embraced the idea that I might just be it. In the midst of all the angst, pain, shame, and healing- I really discovered what it was to be vulnerable. 

I stopped trying to look good, and just shared what was happening. I stopped exercising my agenda, and just started being with people. I stopped using them to save me, and just asked for what I needed without any expectations. I stopped taking things personally, and considered other people's perspectives. When I did that I discovered one of life's most profound ironies. All that time, I thought that Prince Charming was going to ride in and rescue me, that my life began when he showed up. I thought that if I were more popular or successful then I'd be ok. But in the end, I was the one that I was waiting for. I was the one I wanted. I began listening to my own truth. I began holding my own hand. I began witnessing my own pain, and accessing my own faith to pull myself through. And I let it be enough. I experienced a deep appreciation for the people in my life. I'm not entitled to their love and attention- they give it freely, and everything that they give is a gift, even when it pisses me off.

I became curious about people. I was able to simply and openly express myself because I wasn't hiding anything. To my surprise, I experienced what my friends had been telling me all along: That I am valued exactly the way that I am and exactly the way that I'm not. Before this, I could have told you that from an intellectual place, but it was in this state of naked-inglorious-raw-vulnerability that I actually experienced it. And it was all around me all the time, but I had to open myself to it by embracing my darkness, surrendering to my destruction and empowering it as a creative process... I opened by owning every inch of myself,  and telling the truth about my life. Only in that state could I really receive the totally necessary support my community had been offering, and come back together into my own semblance of wholeness. 

They say that you find love when you least expect it, and I can attest to that. I had gained 20 lbs and had given up on the idea that there was someone for me, and then there he was. The beauty of it is that I was simply curious about him. I wasn't weighing him against a check list, I wasn't watching for red flags, I wasn't summing up his fulfillment of a role. I was just curious. And he was beautiful, talented, profound, amazing, and so loving. I'd been single for 4 years, trying so hard to find the one and feeling desperately like something was missing. Now I can see that what was missing was the freedom for him to show up in all his glory and all his humanity. Rilke said "For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks... the work for which all other work is but preparation." I know for a fact that if I hadn't gone through the first part of this year, I would have missed him. I wouldn't have recognized him because I would have been looking through the filter of my own fear and lack. I would have been looking for someone to fulfill an impossible task, and he would've been doomed to disappoint. And I wouldn't have been prepared for what it meant to love him and receive him.

I'm ringing in this new year by letting go of the suffering of this last, and taking forward the power of vulnerability. This year I intend to seek the edges and to let them open me, to render me raw. But instead of relying on loss and hardship, I invite this growth gently through sensuality, play, innocence, and love.

As for the state investigation into my license, I was let go with a warning, as it was a minor complaint and the only one in 16 years of practice. And the client I thought I'd injured, it turns out that I'd only aggravated an already-existing condition, one that (hopefully) was easily repaired with a minor surgery. 

Take 2

I was going to write a sad and angry post today. I've been pretty raw and discouraged lately. But who actually wants another feminist rant? It would be appropriate, but no one would read it except my best friends, and only because they had to. Given all the media attention to how the female athletes of the Olympics look, how politicians are producing policies that limit women's choices, and Pussy Riot facing a trial in Russia that hearkens back to the Inquisition, I've been up to my ears in cynicism about being a woman on this planet. It's a man's world, and it seems that what is most authentic about me as a woman is considered obscene in our culture. It seems like there isn't really a place for me- just some ideal that I'm supposed to live up to. Most of the time, I'm fine. I keep my head up and I honor my heart and forgive those who don't. But sometimes it gets to me. 

It breaks my heart that women buy into the ideals and they judge, compare, and compete with each other by unrealistic and unforgiving standards. It pisses me off that I have to define misogyny to my 19 year old sister as an explanation for comments she's received and doesn't understand why. It pains me that some mothers can't celebrate the beauty of their own daughters. It pains me deeply that rape and sexual abuse are extremely common. It pains me that we continue to argue with ignorant people about our own reproductive rights. The truth is that I am a lover not a fighter, and I require these rights, not because I am a slut or a murderer, but because I am autonomous. I would like to be supported in having and making those choices, not because I fought and won, but because I am loved and respected. I want to make love, not war, and I want it to be an act of honor, not compromise. 

Feminist issues are not just women's issues. These issues impact the quality of life of every citizen. I believe that something else is possible and I believe that it begins with women. I believe that women can learn to love and accept our own selves and each other. I believe that we can heal our nature and our sexuality, and I believe that we need each other to do this. I believe that when women stop feeling unworthy because they don't fit through the narrow window of acceptable femininity, and begin celebrating our own expansive and sensual nature, we can heal the rift between the sexes and be a voice of balance and reason. I believe when we stop allowing misogynistic attitudes and beliefs to be divisive and invalidating, we can heal the world in partnership with men. I believe there are men who are wanting and waiting for this partnership.

I notice as I get ready to share this, I feel afraid. I'm afraid of backlash and cruelty. Mostly, though, I'm afraid of being dismissed.  But I'm sharing it because the only power I have against my own cynicism is my own voice- my own vulnerability and love: for myself, for you, and for the beauty of this world.

It's been a year...

I'd forgotten about my blog.. It's been a year since my last post, and I was complaining about moving for the 3rd time  in 4 months. Well, I did move again. And a month after that I was in a fairly major car accident. I had whiplash, a shoulder injury, and a minor head injury. I didn't work for 4 months. In January, my 97 year old grandmother passed on. And in May, I moved again. Life really is a series of movements, of changes, and this year was intense for me. The thing I learned out of all this is to just surrender. I don't have to be smart, or wise, or get it right. I don't have to be deserving, and things don't really mean what I think they mean. Life is always happening at every level, everywhere, all the time. It's really not personal. It happens and I have my experience. Somewhere in there, my heart opened. It opened wide. I stopped grasping and started being grateful. I lost everything and I had everything I needed. As one of my friends said- "this is what you not slipping through the cracks looks like." I learned to both give and receive freely. I learned that god-in-action is community and friends- not some ethereal something out there I hope to be worthy of, and maybe he'll answer my prayer. It is the life force that flows through every one of us and touches those we love, those we pass. This idea of god lives though us, through our expression in the world. I stopped asking "what's in it for me?" and started asking "what gift do I bring?" I started saying yes. Yes to all of it. Joseph Campbell said "We're in a free fall into future. We don't know where we're going. Things are changing so fast. And always when you’re going through a long tunnel, anxiety comes along. But all you have to do to transform your hell into a paradise is to turn your fall into a voluntary act. It’s a very interesting shift of perspective . . . Joyfully participate in the sorrows of the world and everything changes." By simply saying yes to life, all of it as it came, and letting go of resisting it- I experienced a deep release. I was free to love, give and receive with out worry over cost, reciprocity, or being enough. There is enough grace in this world, we never have to be enough. All we need do is show up and be our fullest expression. And say yes, even when  we don't understand. I don't have it all figured out- it's a constant moment to moment choice. But I do find myself enjoying life a lot more these days.

Movment

I am moving again. This will be the 3rd time in 4 months. A part of me wants to complain that I'm tired, I don't wanna move, that this is unfair, and that whatever it is, can't I just work it out? But it's a strange thing- I'm practicing choosing instead of deciding these days, and this puts me firmly in the drivers seat of my life. My complaints are irrelevant, and instead of reacting to what's wrong, and waiting until I'm justified and drained to decide something, I'm just looking for the opportunity to do the most loving thing, and to have the best life. And I'm not settling for what kinda works but doesn't feed joy and fulfillment in life. Of course, what this looks like on the road is that I spend a lot of time being uncertain of how I feel, what I think, or how things are going to turn out. It's a little unsettling but there is a lot of power in not knowing- in remaining curious. So I'm learning how to surrender and trust. Surrender and Trust. Listening to intuition instead of just reason.


In other news, I've found my vocal guru. I haven't sung in 8 years- a wedding here and there, and in the shower when I can't help myself, but I haven't seriously sung in over 8 years. In August I began thinking of my voice again and what I really wanted. Most of what I've seen in the classical world is all about doing it right- technique, rep, name dropping, politics... I'm in a place where I want to simply explore my voice- find my true voice and sing from there. And opera happens to be my passion. Someone at a party told me about Awilda Verdajo,(www.thecompleatvoice.com) and I met her last monday. Seriously, an amazing woman fully in her body and fully in her power. She looked at me and said "God gave us two mouths for a reason- we were meant to receive! If you're going to sing, you're going to have to open your body."  An answer to my prayers. I've been strongly feeling that if I don't sing, I'm going to die. Not litterally, but I'm slowly withering, and I'll have none of that. My sense is that abundance flows through our happiness and our truest expression. I had an insight about goddesses that are associated with abundance- Lakshmi, Oshun, ect. They are most often river goddesses, or somehow associated with water. And their abundance is celebrated not for what they have, but for what they give. Their chief trait is that they pass on what they are given, literally standing in the flow. The more they give, the more they receive. I'd always looked at abundance as something to get- a state of plenty. But now I'm thinking it is more of an expression. Singing and massage are two places in my life where I stand in the flow and pull divine, nurturing energy through me for others. Both always feed my spirit, my pocket book, and from what I can tell, bless those receiving.


Lately, I've also been really wanting to dance. I love to bellydance! And I haven't in quite some time. I've been looking at Tribal Bellydance- I like that it's beautiful, dark, and gritty. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXi-ZXbtfic 


I was talking with a friend the other day, and I realized that I've spent a lot of time healing over the last 4 years. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, which I have under control now, and I spent about 9 months this year healing something of a more feminine nature. I spent 9 months not being able to work out, make out, run, lift, or even go for walks. At the time same time, I had also quit my job, started my business, broke up with my lover of 2 years, loved and lost someone new- twice, and moved out of my house, which I'd lived in for 3 years. It's good to remember this so I can give myself a little grace- enjoy the moment and acknowledge the journey. I have a long ways to go, but I've come a distance. The recurring theme over these years has been to learn to love myself. And I keep finding that I haven't even begun. This year has been extraordinarily intense, and all I could do was keep giving up what I thought I knew and keep moving forward. Keep being curious about what was next, and keep giving up my attachments to how I think it should be, what I think it all means, and what I think I do or don't deserve. It seems that deserving really has little to do with how life works. We're either loved or we aren't- and even how that looks and feels has little to do with us. People love the way they love and they extend it to those they're moved to extend it to. In a strange sense, it's not personal. Love is an expression, and a force of nature. People don't always love me the way I want to be loved by them, but it doesn't mean a goddamn thing. It's just how they love. Ultimately, it's my job to give myself the love that I long for. No one else can do that for me. And my experience of being with people I love when I'm loving myself is so different! Any time I'm bitching to myself about how someone isn't giving me what I need, I have to stop and remind myself that I'm really bitching that I'm not giving myself something I need, and it feels a lot easier to blame someone else than to step up and take charge of my life.

...I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903 in Letters to a Young Poet

Manifesta

I am a bad ass, laugh out loud, honest to gods, gun-totin', finger-lickin' Cosmic Cowgirl, riding the tantric wave of all there is. I love myself madly, and I align my intentions, my actions, and my vitality in service of Life. Because I am in the flow, all that I need comes easily to me, and all that I offer is a treasure, nurturing those around me freely. I make big waves, take pleasure in all of life, and am brought to my knees in gratitude of my blessings. I offer myself up to millions of little deaths, to be born again and again in love's infinite ocean. I own every inch of myself- my body, my voice, my presence and energy. I am an unapologetic maverick. I leave marks, make messes, and I fight dirty. But I clean up real nice.